A Response to Essence Article “Single, Sexy & Saved.”

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Dear Essence:  

As Christian women, and readers of your magazine, we were shocked and disturbed by some of the sentiments expressed in the article, “Single, Sexy & Saved” written by Charreah K. Jackson and published in your March 2013 edition.  We want to be clear that our intent in writing this letter is not to bash Ms. Jackson as we are excited that she chose to explore the topic of sex and spirituality from a Christian lens.  However, as Christian women we believe it is important to address two inaccuracies expressed in the article that we feel could be extremely misleading to your readers.

First, Rev. Dr. Michael Walrond, Jr. is quoted as saying, “Just because someone is not in church every Sunday does not mean that they’re not the love of your soul. God is at the center of true love and can use a relationship to grow your faith.” Dr. Waldrond indicates that the expectation of having a mate who attends church regularly is not a relevant factor in a Christian relationship; nor is it the basis of true love. This opinion does not align with the truths found in the Holy Bible.  There are various biblical scriptures that would refute Dr. Walrond’s opinion.  For example, 1 John 4:15-16 tells us that God is love. Therefore, it is impossible to love God and not desire to be in his presence or to desire a closer walk with Him.  A joint esteem of church fellowship could help Christian singles build their identity as a couple and help them pursue a stronger relationship with Jesus Christ. Church is a place where believers can go to feel a sense of belonging and connection. Psalm 133:1 states, “Behold, how good and how pleasant it is for brethren to dwell together in unity.” These scriptures remind us of the relevancy of being among like-minded individuals who have a common purpose in mind and a shared desire to have an intimate relationship with Jesus Christ. The scriptures also affirm the value of church fellowship.

We are not saying that the church is the only place where believers can receive the redemption and/or the blessings of God-as God is omnipotent and can do anything, anywhere.  We are saying that church fellowship is vital to having an intimate relationship with God. Thus, it would seem only logical that church fellowship would become a major factor in the lives of Christian singles.If a single person attends church regularly, fasts, prays and reads his/her Bible, it is important that his/her mate has that same spiritual desire. Otherwise, one person is growing and the other is not. 

The biblical term “unequally yoked” is used to describe those who are not as spiritually mature as other believers.   2 Corinthians 6:14 tell us “Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? And what communion hath light with darkness?” Paul, the author of the book of Corinthians tells us not to associate ourselves with unbelievers. Of course, the Apostle Paul is not telling us to forsake the witness of Christ to the lost or fallen, but he is warning us to limit our personal involvement with people who do not desire to live Christ-centered lives. To make it plain, the Apostle Paul is telling us in 2 Corinthians 6:14 that we have no business giving unbelievers and/or spiritually immature people access to our most intimate selves. Believers should be linked together with other believers who are seeking to know God. What better place for Christian singles to grow and learn than the church- where opportunities abound for Christian singles to volunteer their time, talent and service by sowing in the lives of others- ultimately learning through action Christ’s example of love? 

We have all heard the testimonies of so many married couples, mainly women who complain that they married an unsaved man who wasn’t as mature in Christ as they were, and now their husbands won’t go to church with the family, pray and cover the family as the Bible admonishes or lead the family as the Head of the house as the Bible directs. There is so much more we could address on this topic. However, the paramount point we want to emphasize is that Christian singles who desire to be married must establish a strong spiritual connection at the beginning of their relationship and consistent church fellowship is one fundamental way of doing this.

            Second, there is a suggestion in the article by Ms. Jackson for readers to embrace their sexuality. She references a statement from Rev. Dr. Susan Newman’s book as a legitimate source for telling women to “embrace both sides of their nature by recognizing all people are sexual and many church practices are from a different time.”  This advice is unbiblical.  We agree it is important for single women and men to be comfortable in who they are as Christ-led singles.  Although we believe it is only natural for Christian women to embrace their feminity and for Christian men to embrace their masculinity, we believe the Holy Bible is the ultimate dating guidebook for Christian singles; it has clear directives regarding the limitations and restrictions that Christian singles should honor when dating.  Hebrews 13:8 reminds us that “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever.” The same God in the Old Testament is the same God in the New Testament and the same guidelines from days of old concerning pre-marital sex are just as relevant today for us as believers.  This is true in the face of knowing that many a Christian single, including some of us, have stumbled, fell and even missed the mark on more than one occasion.  Still, we can testify from our own personal experiences how biblical principles and church fellowship motivated us to address our sinful actions, encouraged us to seek redemption, and helped us grow all the more in our faith walks.  Unfortunately, many of us are now dealing with the consequences (i.e. disillusion, unplanned pregnancies) that resulted from our misguided actions.  When Christian singles omit God from being the head of our lives, refuse to apply biblical laws and precepts to our lives, and fail to trust God in choosing a suitable mate, then we reap the consequences.  We also risk entering into unhealthy marriage relationships that may ultimately end in divorce. 

Regardless of what experts and pastors say, pre-marital sex or sex before marriage is fornication.  This fact is supported in both the Old Testament and the New Testament.  There is no scripture in the Holy Bible that would support Dr. Walrond’s suggestion that Christian singles can have sex with whoever they choose as long as it is not with a prostitute.  That sort of thinking does not align with God’s principles, nor God’s character. God is a God of decency and order and He requires holiness. 

In 1 Corinthians 7:7-9, the Apostle Paul explained how he practiced abstinence and encouraged those who had the resolve to do the same, while encouraging those who did not to marry. This doesn’t mean Christian singles should marry just to have sex, but it does mean that God has the final authority in our lives as Christian singles and that sex is a gift reserved for marriage. 

Remaining abstinent while single is not an easy task; each of us can attest to that and some of us can even share how we failed to stay sexually pure.  This is all the more reason why we believe having an active church fellowship is an important strategy in helping Christian singles live victorious lives.  There are countless people who read this article and got a warped sense of what dating means to Christian singles and feel justified in engaging in pre-marital sex.  Thus, we feel a sense of urgency to submit this letter and offer correction in a way that shares God’s love and enlightens readers, both believers and non-believers to biblical truths, as the truth will set us free.  

 God bless,

Quiniece Sheppard, Mitzi Carrasquilo and Lynn Pinder.