Before the Lights Go Out: 11 Keys to Achieve Real Physical Intimacy

Hello Ladies:  I hope you all are feeling blessed beyond measure and having a great week so far and I pray God’s continued blessings and favor on your life.  I’m so excited to share this month’s article with you partly because it’s my birthday month, yay! Secondly, I have a special treat for you ladies.  I know it’s customary to give gifts/presents on birthdays, but I want to give you something that I believe you will enjoy. I want to share with you a little excerpt from my latest book Before the Lights Go Out: 11 Keys to Achieve Real Physical Intimacy.  I’m so glad God told me to write this book as I enjoyed writing it so much.  Relationships are hard and most of us single ladies, don’t want to be single forever, right ladies? 

We want to someday get married. So, God gave me these helpful tools, what I call 11 keys to help us achieve that complex noun called intimacy that we need to have in order to have a long-lasting and blessed marriage.  Some of the eleven keys that we need to look for in a potential mate are praying/God fearing man, man who can praise/uplift you, man who has a plan, man who has promise/potential,  man with purpose/destiny,  and many more.  All of the keys start with the letter “P” and I also talk extensively about the Book of Job and from the Book of Esther as well.  The final touch is when I provide real life testimonies from the marriages of my family members.  It is awesome.   Okay, let’s begin by talking about intimacy as that is really what this book is about.

First, what is intimacy? First, let’s take a closer look at the word. In-ti-ma-cy translates to mean “in to me.” Do you see that? This is where the person you’re dating is able to know your thoughts, feelings, goals, dreams, desires, and so forth. In other words, he has an emotional and spiritual connection with you. Some would say, “I’ve found my soul mate.” A soul mate is someone who you share commonalities with and have the same beliefs and attitudes. Once you establish a mutual liking towards one another, you are emotionally-bonded to the person you are “into” and that emotional bonding attaches to your soul, thus forming a soul tie. I know you all have heard of soul ties before and I’m sure many of you had one or have one.

A marriage is a soul tie as the bible states that two shall become one.  In other words, two souls are linked together to become as one. Any relationships outside of marriage, (fornication) and against God’s will (disobedience) is what I call an illegal soul tie.  Uh oh. It’s getting ready to get tight now. (I talk about illegal soul ties in my first book, The Seven Deadly Sexual Sins)  If God hasn’t put the two of you together, then your relationship is illegal, meaning it is not ordained by God nor is it in His will.  There are so many relationships that are dissolving because people are tied to the wrong person. Be careful who you link up to as linking up with the wrong person can break you spiritually, emotionally and also physically. 

Remember as children we played this game called Red Rover.  There were two teams comprised of ten or more people who would join hands, face each other and stand in two lines. (This was played outdoors) Someone would go first and choose a person who they thought was weak and fragile to charge through the opposite line from the one you were standing in to break or separate those who were joined hands. You would say, “red rover, red rover, send Tiffany right over”.  Y’all remember that game?  If you broke through the joined hands in the circle, then those hands that you broke through were part of your team.  If you didn’t break through those hands that you tried to break through, then they stayed in their line.  You would do this until there were no more joined hands to break through and there was a single line.  Well, what’s my point?  My point is that you better be locked or joined to another strong hand because if you aren’t, then the relationship will break or fall apart.  If you are connected to the right hand, then your relationship will not be easily broken.

How do I know if the relationship is serious enough, where couples can take it to the next level—engagement? Well, I’m glad you asked. Before you can be physically intimate with someone, you have to be mentally and spiritually connected. If all you have in common with the opposite sex is sex, then all you have is sex without the intimacy. Two people can have sex. Yet, the question arises: Is sex physical intimacy or is it just physical?

In society, we view the term, physical intimacy as someone having sexual relations or being sexual with someone because there is an exchange of emotions and bodily fluids. However, couples can experience empty exchanges, where one feels empty, lonely, unfulfilled, unloved, unwanted and undesired, even after sex. Wow! I thought that sex was supposed to make me feel good and wanted. Well, here’s the deal. Ladies, let’s say that you meet a young man who shows you the attention and affection you’re seeking, but don’t give it to you. In other words, giving is an inward expression, whereas showing is an outward expression. For example, he can buy you flowers, candy, cards, etc. as an outward expression of showing that he loves you, but not necessarily meeting your spiritual and emotional needs, which requires giving. Consequently, showing ignores the thoughtfulness and consideration in which the woman longs for. Basically, he spends his money on you, instead of the quality time that it takes to get to know you. Others would say that he is not “into you.” He meets your wants, but not your needs. In other words, you want flowers, gifts, pedicures, manicures, candy and dates, but those things are tangible. They can be replaced. However, what about meeting your spiritual and emotional needs?

Overall, we women desire to be loved, cared for, appreciated, valued, and to feel special. Consequently, he is showing the woman that he loves her, and she also desires to feel needed. In the relationship, couples need to express love by showing and giving to one another. You can endow your mate with gifts and also spend quality time and affection with the person you love. Giving requires time, effort, energy, and consideration. I’m talking about putting in the time that it takes to get to know someone, for real. Aside from the gifts, candy, money and dates, a lady needs a man to be into her and discover what type of person she really is.

We have confused intimacy with sex. This is why there are sexual perversions today. We have many sexual partners because we have not realized that sex does not make a relationship. Some of us focus on the good sex that we’ve had with our partner, but cannot get along with him. We have our differences. We argue all the time. We disagree about everything. We have completely different outlooks on our goals and dreams. We then realize that the both of us are on two separate pages in the chapter of life. The problem is that we have no bond or true intimacy in our relationship. When the sex is over, women need someone whom they can talk to, and who will listen. Women need someone whom they can laugh with, or cry with. Women desire someone who shares common interests and similarities. Moreover, women want to be with someone whom they can spend their lives with and learn from. Am I right ladies? These things are what intimacy is about. When we have sex before developing intimacy, then all we have is just sex.

To be intimate with someone means you are so comfortable being around this person that you expose your vulnerabilities and weaknesses. Intimacy requires a person to be open-minded. Your mate will reveal secrets to someone that haven’t been revealed to another person. Intimacy requires trust. Additionally, intimacy can reveal one’s weaknesses. What are some issues that you find hard to get over? What are some things in your life that you do repeatedly even though you know it does not feel right? Vulnerability refers to openness and honesty, whereas, weakness refers to lack of control or discipline. Vulnerability and weakness define real intimacy in a relationship.

This is just a little bit of the book to share with you and I do hope you received some great nuggets from this.  To purchase a copy of the book, Before the Lights Go Out: 11 Keys to Achieve Real Physical Intimacy, go to Amazon.com.  Again, I’m so glad to be given this opportunity to share with you.  God bless you ladies and talk to you again next month.

Oh, since you all can’t say it “HAPPY EARLY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!! LOL

Quiniece Sheppard
I am the Chase Ministries
PO Box 320001
Alexandria, VA 22320
www.iamtlhechase.com
Chasing Books Book club
www.chasngbooks.com