He said/she said: The Importance Of Communication In A Marriage

In a time when fewer and fewer relationships survive the test of time, the sentence “We need to talk” is a common sign that there are important things untold. One of the most important aspects of a satisfying marriage is the existence of a constant exchange of emotion, desires, and beliefs between the two parts. Communication is the definitely the most effective way of creating that exchange.

Even inside couples married for many years is sometimes impossible to predict accurately what the other is thinking. We like to believe that we know our partner very well, but there is always room for surprises. And I’m not talking about positive surprises. Communication helps to minimize confusion and to reduce the potential for disappointment and frustration. If enough information is exchanged between the parts, the chance of embracing false expectations is drastically reduced. The ability to predict behavior always makes us feel comfortable.

Keep in mind that communication isn’t just about words flying out of your mouth. Sometimes small gestures or a simple look can convey much more information. After all, this is the way two people fall in love and decide to spend time with each other. Couples develop a secret language only accessible to them. They can refer to such things with phrases like “You gave me the LOOK” or “Your eyes aren’t telling the same story”, thus being able to resume complex feelings.

We can look at communication inside a marriage the same way we look at the act of a religious confession. We eject from our mind the pressure of hiding the truth and keeping it for ourselves and share with another person our most intimate worries and fears, in order to achieve a more peaceful state of mind. We ask for forgiveness, acknowledge our mistakes and take the pledge to become better for the future. Although it makes us look vulnerable, sincerity is the main adjective that should always escort communication inside a marriage.

The first sign that a married couple is doing well is that they communicate efficiently and with ease. They use a calm voice and manage to tackle problematic topics inside the usual chit chat. They don’t need special occasions to discuss important matters and don’t feel the need to raise the voice in order to support each one’s claim. Divergent points of views are always analyzed based on arguments and it is generally accepted that beside situations that can host compromise, only one side can emerge victorious. Satisfaction inside a relationship is directly linked to assurances one partner provides to the other. We can look at it as a less official renewal for the pledge of marriage. Communication is the most basic form of providing clues that everything goes according to the plan.

The worst thing that lack of communication inside a relationship can bring is the development of defensiveness. Humans are social by nature and when someone is not talking, others will regard him/her with suspicion, as he/she was hiding something from them. This can translate from mistrust and isolation, ultimately to hate and exclusion. The attitude towards a non-communicative partner can evolve the same way inside a couple and nobody wants to share a life with a stranger. It’s against our instincts to create a real bond with someone that is ignoring us or that is permanently in defense mode. 

Communication is much more than just talking. It’s about knowing when to stop from talking and be able to listen. Just to listen is not enough. You have to learn to understand and put yourself in the shoes of the other. Every couple should know that in order for communication inside it to work there is the need for both a functional sender and a functional receiver. Switching the sides should be made in order for everyone to be able to speak and be listened.

In every marriage conflicts or life changing events will eventually surface. These situations, typically involving huge doses of stress and emotions, are always dealt better inside couples that know how to facilitate communication. If words don’t come easy in day by day scenarios, there is no chance for it in hard times. Communication should be looked as a continuous process of improvement, reaching for complete harmony.