“Loving God BUT Living Depressed”

“Loving God BUT Living Depressed”

Jamesina Greene

    On May 23, 1995, the sun rose and the birds sang, just as they had the day before.  Outside of my home people were going about the routine of their lives.  But for me this day would be like no other and would change my life forever.  Unbeknownst to me when I awoke, this would be the day that would irrevocably alter the course of my life.  From that day forward I would never be the same again.  At that time in my life, I was working a full-time job and was a part-time college student.  I was also a single mother of two sons, ages 14 and 2-1/2 years old.  The combinations of ministerial, educational, financial and familial responsibilities were taking their toll on me.  I was feeling overwhelmed, lonely and on the emotional edge.  On that particular day, I was scheduled to take a college English final exam and I was desperately concerned about passing this exam; so that I could further my education and make a better life for my children and myself.  I desperately did not want to fail this exam thus, providing people with yet another opportunity to point out my failures.  Needless to say, the condition of my life was causing me many endless days and nights filled with stress.

Immediately upon opening my eyes, I knew I was in trouble.  Having suffered with migraines most of my life, I recognized the symptoms.  I became overwhelmed with the need to vomit and literally could not see.  In addition, the pain in my chest was unbearable.  I made my way to the bathroom with only seconds to spare.  On hands and knees, I crawled to the room where my sister slept and barely above a whisper had I said, “Help me.”  I was then taken to the hospital via ambulance where I was tested for a heart attack.  The test came back for a heart attack and it was determined that I was suffering from a severe Anxiety Attack.  After receiving a shot of pain medicine, the lights were turned down, and I drifted into a restless sleep. The doctor came in and asked me, “Ms. Greene, how are you feeling right now?”  My answer would forever stay in my mind; as the catalyst that launched me onto my path for healing.  With very little strengthen and volume I said, “I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up.”  I vaguely noticed him shaking his head and mumbling as he walked out.

When I awoke, a lady in a white lab coat was standing at the foot of my bed, watching me.  She informed me that she was from the Mental Health Unit and had been called to speak with me because I implied that I was suicidal.  I attempted to explain that I was NOT suicidal but just plain tired.  After some discussion, it was decided that I should be admitted to the Mental Health Unit where I could get some help and tools necessary to handle stress better.  The events of the next days and weeks would prove to be the pivotal point in my life.  In that sterile environment, I was forced to acknowledge and address life events and issues that had led me to feel unloved, unwanted, unappreciated and incapable of living a fulfilling life.  The Group sessions were mandatory and thankfully, I found that in this setting, I would not be judged or criticized.  Understanding this, I began to open up and reveal to myself and others, the beautiful woman that I was designed to be!

I have learned many lessons since that time, the most important being that I AM LOVED and I AM SPECIAL.  I am uniquely created with gifts that no one else possesses.  I have also learned to live in and appreciate EACH day for the special gift that it is.  My life is a journey.  While on this journey, I will experience diverse phases, stages and lessons.  The blessing of the journey is that if I truly experience each of these phases, stages and lessons, I will have a successful end. I have learned not to de-value my journey or myself.  I have learned to be present in today and love every second of it.

When I experience a “bump in the road”, I take time to evaluate it.  Why did this happen?  What am I supposed to learn from it?  Then I keep it moving.  We must believe in the divine power within us and take our lives back.  Do not allow anything or anyone to feed your anxiety, which often leads to Depression.  I no longer run from ME, but I embrace ME!  During my alone time I concentrate on me and this helps with the process of my healing.  I have surrendered myself to come in alignment with the assignment on my life.  I have allowed the healing power of God to propel me to my next level.  I encourage you to do the same.  His Word guarantees us an abundant life, LET’S LIVE IT!