Married To The Family

Marriage is a natural step for every couple that reaches a certain milestone of evolution. But when the honey moon ends, it’s time to think of more serious issues, like where to live and how to welcome the new members of the extended family into your life. It’s not an easy step to take, especially if you are not a big fan of other people interfering with the decisions you make and judging your way of life. Families are social structures we were all born in and life without them would be impossible.

They are dynamic by nature and are much more than a sum of individuals. Powerful hierarchies and internal rules govern each family in a way not clear for an eye from the outside. When a new member enters a family by terms of law (via marriage) there will always be some initial tension.

Although you legally marry just one person it’s not a far stretched affirmation to consider you are signing a contract for much more than that. Your life is about change in a way it’s hard to predict with accuracy. You might get yourself a pair of loving parents or you might as well end up with a textbook nightmare mother-in-law. Only time and your ability to be liked by others will tell the difference.

Many families experienced what could be easily called the “empty nest” syndrome. The one that marries their only daughter/son and takes her/him away from the family is seen as an intruder, disturbing the harmony once established. It’s not easy to clean your image and get rid of that stigma and some are followed by this ghost their entire lives.

Communication is probably the number one tool that could make your marriage with relatives in law easier. When words begin to flow from both parts, trust is being build and the path is laid for a further evolution. Looking from the other side, when long periods of silence mark the relationship between one member of the couple and the family of the other, suspicion and negative feelings take place and quickly shift to mistrust. Holydays around the year are the excellent opportunity for an outsider to force its way inside a new family. By sharing the same respect towards tradition and rituals a strong common denominator is established.

But especially in couples in which the partners come from different parts of the country/world, holyday season means it’s also the time of a difficult choice. The couple needs to decide which family is lucky enough to receive them as their guests, usually with few chances of making everyone happy. The problem is even bigger when a child is preparing to enter the stage. Grandparents from both sides will take a battle to the death for the opportunity to take care of the new born, especially if they are missing an activity to make them feel useful.

Last but not least, every marriage is at least at its beginning a long term plan. This means that at some point thing will go less smooth and separation might even become an option in hand. At that point, if you were successfully accepted by the other family before things went bad, you might receive a second chance or even help for reaching a compromise. A marriage need all the support it can get from the two families in order to fight the odds and survive the ages.

If you are marrying someone from outside your culture or race, expect to marry much more than the other’s family. You are a pioneer of establishing relationships that are still widely challenged by society in general. But beyond becoming immune to raise eyebrows and words spoken behind you, you are embarking on a journey in which there is very much to learn.

We could be talking about a different language, religion, diet or an entirely different way of life. Adaptation is not always easy, especially if the change involves moving to a different country and getting separated from your friends and relatives. There is a certain period in which you will need all the help possible to adapt and a new family welcoming you with their open arms and souls is the help you want.