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My Soul Cries Out


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Article by Janice Jones

In today’s message, I want to share with you a very personal and painful saga of my life.  It’s nothing you haven’t heard before, but it is more detailed (not graphically so) and more in depth.  I ask that you allow me today to release with you today. 

Sexual abuse/molestation is a devastating, debilitating, mind altering, life changing, crippling crime that can affect every aspect of a person’s life.  It can ruin you, physically, emotionally, financially, spiritually, relationally, mentally, and socially.  Is it the worst thing that can happen to a person?  I cannot answer that.  All I know is it is the worst thing that has ever happened to me.  Even today, after intense psychological therapy, I still wrestle with these questions:  “Why, God?  Why did you let this happen to me?  I was only six years old.  What did I do at six to deserve this and the disastrous affects that someone else violating me caused?” And just as the effects have in so many ways crippled me; just as crippling to me are the effects I see it has on others who refuse to see it for themselves. 

As a result of my childhood sexual abuse I became very withdrawn and protective of my thoughts and my opinions.  Thusly I became controlling, judgmental and oft times hard to get along with.  In an effort to be sure I did not get hurt in any fashion I attempted to control my situations and those around me, trying to make sure they were doing things the way I felt they needed to be done.  I was also very judgmental and critical of those who thought differently than I.   However, I had very little regard for my own personal safety or sexuality.  The abuse made me bitter and angry so I would fight at the drop of a hat.  The abuse caused me to be ashamed of whom I truly was and felt I could only be valued as a sexual object.  My self-esteem was placed in a toilet bowl and flushed away at the ripe old age of six. I became sexually indiscriminate, creating only a very superficial and shallow list of requirements my sexual partners had to meet.


My mind was so warped and my thinking was so skewed that my priorities and my sense of responsibility were only about doing what made me feel good and allowed me to be distracted from the not so hidden dirty infection of pain.  I always worked, but I did not pay my bills on time.  That money was used to go clubbing or shopping or traveling, anything that would distract me from feeling the pain that was such a huge part of my life. I lived in an unknown yet perpetual world of self-loathing, often inadvertently dragging others into that world with me. I lived with the moodiness, control and anger from the time I was six years old.  The promiscuity started at age nineteen; the irresponsibility after I moved out of my parent’s home at age twenty-one.  I lived with all of this until I was forty years old, when God led me to the doorstep of my psychologist. 

In regards to the question of “why” that I still find myself asking God, He has answered me over and over again.  In the past few years I have been acquainted with several young adult women who have suffered the same crime of sexual abuse.  It tears my heart to pieces each and every time I hear their stories and I see the destructive patterns of their lives that so closely mirror my own.  I do my best to explain to them why they are behaving the way they are. I beg and plead with them to seek counseling to help them get past those old ways.  I tell them that while I can talk to them, minister to them and pray with them, they need someone professionally trained to show them the way back to living normally, which will help them get to living in their purpose from God.  And telling them this answers the question, “why me?”  God allowed it to happen to me so that I could help them; those I have already spoken to and the many I have yet to meet. 

In the last month or so, however, I have found myself allowing their pain to become my pain again.  I truly enjoy the ability to help lead these young women to God and to solutions to help them. But the memories of the many times I was inappropriately handled, the memories of the mistakes I have made, the pain I thought I had forgotten is beginning to surface again.  But even in the midst of the angst, what I am finding joy in is, I have not be reduced to the same vices I used to resort to when I would previously attempt to outrun the pain.  Now I know exactly where to run to; Who to run to. 

And in my praying about this, in my seeking God for help with this, He has not neglected me in His response.  He has instructed me to seek another counselor for myself, someone who will help me to spiritually replenish myself where I have been emotionally drained. 

You are all probably wondering why it is I shared this with you and several scriptures come to mind in answer to your wondering.  I just know that God asked me to reveal it and every message I write comes from the Holy Spirit.  I ask that you all continue to pray my strength as I continue to walk in my purpose, living my life as God willed and in obedience to His ways. 



2 Timothy 1:11-12


And God chose me to be a preacher, an apostle, and a teacher of this Good News.


That is why I am suffering here in prison. But I am not ashamed of it, for I know the one in whom I trust, and I am sure that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him until the day of his return.


James 5:15-16

Such a prayer offered in faith will heal the sick, and the Lord will make you well. And if you have committed any sins, you will be forgiven. Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results.

Psalm 28:7

The LORD is my strength and my shield; My heart trusted in Him, and I am helped; Therefore my heart greatly rejoices, And with my song I will praise Him.

Psalm 27:13-14

I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; wait, I say, on the Lord!

  1. Thank you Janice for sharing your story. Like you, I was also molested (I call my situation not only sexual abuse, but also sibling abuse). I struggle with mental things (currently in therapy for PTSD), but praise be to God that I’ve been celibate for 27 years. I pray many blessings over your life right now.

  2. Great article and shared. As the scripture says, “We have overcame by our testimonies.”

  3. The Certain Ones says:

    Thank you for sharing your testimony with the world, Minister Jance! May God continue to bless and use you for His Kingdom!

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